A weekend to myself

When Mike told me he was going away for the weekend to Texas for work, I sulked a little. It's definitely a double standard with us when it comes to going away. I go away for work all the time; I work long crazy hours; I come home late, I leave home early and I work on whatever jobs I want. I often miss Friday night dinners with friends and he's quite used to showing up solo at parties last minute.

Yet when he goes away for work or works late during the weekdays when I am already home, I invariably always sulk. He's used to it now and always has to 'prepare' me - many days' notice, a note on the calendar and a reminder the day before. They help but I still get annoyed.

I tell him it's the fear of abandonment which came from my parents' breakup when I was 16. Till today, when I wake up and he's not next to me (and he's supposed to be) I always call his name out with a certain anxiety. Ditto for nap time. He always makes sure he's within earshot if he knows that can happen so he can say "I'm here". He says he doesnt like to hear the fear in my voice when I call out.

I'm not sure where this comes from, really. We accept this as matter of course in our relationship. I am the leaver, never the one left behind.

However I have to confess having a weekend to myself is really nice. I woke up today (Saturday) without worry of waking him up too early (he gets grouchy when i wake him up "too early" - a time which is never really fixed and depends on (a) how late he went to bed (b) the quality of sleep he got (c) how i wake him up - tapping on computer keys is a no-no, bacon & eggs is acceptable) I lazed around, made myself whatever I wanted to eat, spent tons of time on the computer planning our Italy vacation which is in a month. I did laundry and cleaned up the room in my own fashion and listened to Pandora without fear of derision of the music I chose. I even watched the season premiere of 'Fringe' instead of 'It's always sunny in Philadelphia' which he likes and I tolerate. I entertain the idea of making cookies and pulling out my knitting. I might watch 'Pride and Prejudice' for the 100th time tonight without worry of the eye roll.

The days are getting colder and I have already shut one of the bedroom windows which have stayed open day & night the past 6 months. There's a sadness in the air when summer leaves and fall comes, at least for me. I'm glad I have this time alone to rearrange my rooms and get ready for it.There's always something to do - every 15th of the month, I reconcile our bills/bank accounts so that tax time isn't hell for us, weddings to rsvp to, baby showers to avoid & shop for and Facebook updates to read.

One might ask why I couldnt do all this when he is around and the truth is: I dont know why either. We just dont do these things when the 2 of us are together, it seems like we have to maximise the time we have to do things we both dont want to do alone like groceries, errands, Home Depot, whatnot.

Anyway I still have all day tomorrow to be productive but today's mine.