first post since birth

I can't believe i am a mother of a newborn child. Sometimes at 2 am when I am surfing the internet with him sleeping on my chest, i think: this is nice but if I travelled back through time, I would think really carefully before i did it again. i probably would do it again but i would be better prepared, i suppose.

Mike says my first and foremost goal was always to get pregnant, and not necessarily to have a child. I guess my lack of imagination did not link the two somehow. Now that I am here, it is indeed a revelation.

We had a scheduled C-section date of 15 January - 1 week before I was due. It was Monday Jan 11 and i still had tons to do - cleaning, laundry, errands and 4 days was just right as my sister was due to arrive 14 Jan night.

I woke up on Monday Jan 11 at 5am with contractions but they were spaced erratically so Mike and I more or less dismissed them. I had been having Braxton Hicks before this and we didnt think it was much more than that. I told Mike to go to work. I could tell though that the idea of contractions was making him feel nervous and he wanted to button up all his work stuff as soon as possible.

Around 5pm, when the contractions didnt stop, I called the doctor and he told me to go to the hospital to get checked out. I waited for Mike to get home and we went with our (last minute) packed bags.

When we arrived at the hospital they hooked me up to a fetal heart monitor and a tochometer (which measures contractions) and it was getting clear that i was in labour and that we would have to probably deliver that night. It was quite a daunting thought, I have to tell you, my first emotion was annoyance. I like plans to go my way and I never thought once that I would come early. First timers are quite often late and in fact, I had often felt concern that we might be pulling him out earlier than he wanted to come out. So to look on the bright side, he came when he needed or wanted to come and I feel less guilty about that aspect of childbirth.

The contractions started to get closer together and it just happened there was an emergency C-section and all 3 pediatricians at the maternity ward had to attend it as the mother was only 25 weeks into her pregnancy. So i was left in the room waiting for these contractions to get closer together with no real way of coping except Mike saying (looking at the printouts of the meters) "oh you got a big one coming". He did try ("i think you should breathe - like in the movies") i have to salute all mothers because those contractions were rough. they were like the cramps i used to get before i had to fibroids taken out. except much worse.

finally they turned their attention to me and i got wheeled into the operating room. i must say, i did start to freak out at that time cos all these ideas started getting into my head like what if the spinal anaesthesia she's administering paralyses me? what if the baby doesn't make it? what if...?

they put a screen up in front of my face so i couldn't see them (not that i wanted to) and mike sat with me during the procedure.

it's been 11 days since it happened and already the horrendousness of what i was feeling is starting to fade. i retched and retched (according to the anaesthesiologist, i had not been properly hydrated) and she put something in the drip cos when it stopped suddenly i just felt such relief. she was also on the same side of the curtain as mike and i and was a sweet Armenian lady who started giving me a play by play of the events (the head is coming out, they are sewing the first layer etc) and i don't really think i wanted the commentary but she was trying to be informative and i didnt have the heart to tell her to stop. i do remember something ringing and i said to the surgeons, one of you left your cell phone in my uterus. they laughed and corrected me that it was a beeper. O.R humour. I've seen enough medical dramas. there was some radio playing in the background but i don't remember the song now. i kinda wish i did.

anyway at some point the dr said you're gonna feel a tug and he put his whole body into it and pulled something so violently and i figured (or hoped) that it was the baby. there was a breath of a few seconds and we heard Marcus cry for the first time.

it was quite overwhelming, Mike and i cried too. Marcus was blue and bloated with swollen eyes (all this liquid gets squeezed out during a vaginal birth but csection babies are always full of liquid) and basically looked as ugly as i thought he would.

they began to sew me up while the pediatricians worked on Marcus and it took a while, i complained about some sensation returning and i could see them hustling. later, when i spoke to one of the surgeons (we had bonded in triage) she said i had a lot of tissue adhesions from the myemectomy and that's why it took them that long. my uterus was also behind my abdominal cavity which meant they couldnt take it out to clean it and had to reach into it to clean it (with a towel!) i loved hearing about the operation from her point of view.

Then they put marcus on my chest and he was very quiet and just looking at us, checking out the world. It was quite an amazing feeling.

After that they whisked us into the recovery room where we waited an hour for sensation to return to my legs and then back to our room where we got to see our baby. He wasn't much better looking by then and he looked exactly like an Asian baby, and of course, he was tiny. he was 6lbs 15.3 oz and 19" long.

The next 3 days at the hospital alternated between nightmarish and delirium. We were sleep deprived, unsure of ourselves, Marcus cried often and I was constantly trying to breast feed. Because of the c-section, my milk took its time getting there and even now, i am trying to regulate the supply. He seems to have an inconsistent latch (because of his tongue tie) and that has failed to bring in enough milk for him.

We came home after 4 days and it's been more sleep deprivation in between cuddle monkey time. We have settled into a routine of shifts - mike does until 1am and i take over after that. I feel like I turned the corner yesterday and my body clock is suddenly used to it. It isn't too bad and i know it's rough going at first but mike and i are actually not hating it as much as i thought we would. My sister's presence has been incredible - just making meals for us and having another set of hands to look after the baby makes it so much easier to handle. i already dread when she has to go

Meanwhile we are getting to know marcus better. He's not a bad baby as babies go. He sleeps a lot during the day but gets really alert at night. We attribute it to jet lag and hope time will orientate him. There's nothing much you can do, i try to play with him during the day as much as i can but otherwise he doesnt do much more than eating and sleeping.

Mike went back to work Wednesday and I ran some errands with the baby and my sister and it wasnt as hard as i thought it would be. In fact, it's much easier with a car. We went to a La leche leader's house in Marine Park, picked up some baby supplies on the way back and I even took him to the pediatrician in a sling. i was intimidated at first but it turned out fine. Park Slope today, Malaysia tomorrow!

We had our first play date with friends yesterday - it was nice to get support from my friends and compare birth stories. Mike says I probably spent the time bitching about him but I didn't, I actually think he's been very supportive and wonderful. We've been a team throughout these past 11 days and even him going back to work hasn't really changed the emotional aspect to things. I worried that childcare would end up completely in my corner (with laundry, housecleaning, cooking & taxes) but it seems like it's one of those things we do together - like renovation. He mentioned this morning how he didn't feel like he was number 1 on my list anymore but he wasn't upset about it (i do tend to mother him) or at least he didn't seem upset.

I am trying to treasure these moments as all my friends and family tell me to instead of trying to accomplish menial tasks that don't mean anything or worry about the future that I have no control over. It takes a lot for someone like me to let go of these things but i think I'm doing ok